


bloom later.

by vuks



Series: they say that the world was built for two. [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chatfic Elements, Fluffy Ending, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, Lighthearted, M/M, Slice of Life, bang chan's an anxious doof, relentless pining, slowburn, tw: an anxiety attack here and there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21542194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vuks/pseuds/vuks
Summary: You are my sun, you are, you are.or, Hyunjin and Chan meet at the Freshman Welcoming Party and slowly, fall in love. Featuring a white coat and cigarettes.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin
Series: they say that the world was built for two. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553338
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70





	bloom later.

**Author's Note:**

> hi. sorry for the big block of texts but if u have the time, please read it
> 
> in many ways, i identify very strongly with chan. although the characterization of chan in this fic is NOT meant to be a self-insert in any single way, his anxiety and some of his thoughts reflect mine. i would also like to note that this fic mentions [paris is burning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris_Is_Burning_\(film\)) a few times. chan is not headcanonned as a transgender man, but i added those references because i am, and again, some of his anxiety reflects mine. not all of it, so don't psychoanalyze anything, but just some of it.
> 
> while hyunjin's characterization is very different from my previous fic, some of his words and his actions reflect what i wish someone, anyone really, would've told me.
> 
> again, not a single character in this fic is a self-insert. it's just kind of a very weird vent fic. but also not. it's mostly about two dudes falling in love in college. a part of it is about anxiety and insecurity and feeling like you don't mean anything to anyone. or shouldn't mean anything to anyone.
> 
> i know a lot of you know about my previous hyunchan fic, "you're the yogi berra to my whitey ford". this is also another hyunchan fic, and i promise it's just as lighthearted and easy to read as the last one. but, the characterizations that i choose for hyunjin and chan are a bit different. hyunjin was bubbly, easily embarrassed, loyal, and kind of a big doofus overall in the baseball one. chan was cold, hard to approach, emotionally intelligent but not expressive and kind of a goof himself. it's a bit different in this one, just so that i don't have to write the same dynamic. you know? so that my hyunchan fics aren't just the same shit but different packaging. they'll still be pretty lighthearted though... i think.
> 
> the feedback on the last fic was amazing, thank you so much for all the overwhelmingly positive comments and thank you so, so much to those who came into my cc and left some really nice anons. it really keeps me going. i hope you'll enjoy this one just as much as you did the last one if you read it. 
> 
> thank you if you took the time to read all of this. please enjoy "bloom later" :]
> 
> EDIT: woojin is currently in the process of being edited out! sorry for the inconvience everyone.

Chan is an average college student that can be seen anywhere. His laptop and charger are just about glued unto his hip, he lives in a dorm with 2 roommates, and he hides his face under a black cap and cold atmosphere. Although Chan currently doesn't feel the happiest, he's quite happy with his department. He has a small friend group that he likes and he likes studying here, that’s a win in his eyes.   
  
There is one specific fault with this university, and not just his department; he doesn't like the Welcoming Party that's held every year for Freshmen.   
  
It's exactly why he's stuck here, sitting at a relatively vacant table with nothing but his cellphone and two bottles of booze. One is yet to be opened and the other is starting to drain, thanks to Chan. He doesn't like seeming alone to other people - and actually, one of his friends, Jisung, was supposed to come with him. He didn't show up though. Bastard.   
  
Just as he fills his shot glass with a bit of soju, he notices a particular freshman sitting opposite from him. "Woah." He places his chin on his hand as he stares at him. A dark brown mullet, jewellery all along his neck, snugged in a giant white coat that could potentially be bigger than Chan himself, and if he's not mistaken - a mole just under his eye. So pretty...   
  
Chan’s peers think of him as a cold, unapproachable jerk. Or at least that's what he thinks that they think of him if they even think of Bang Chan at all. But on the inside, pretty people like the freshman sitting opposite him are what makes Chan melt like a damn popsicle.

And then, Chan's eyes suddenly meet with the pretty freshman. His eyes go wide, and he's so shocked that he quickly gulped down the shot of soju in his hand and looks away. He does it so fast, it goes down straight into the wrong pipe. The now-empty shot glass falls unto the table as his lungs start burning and he starts coughing roughly.   
  
For some reason, he looks up again. And yet, the freshman is still looking at him intensely. He moves his head to the side as if he's inspecting Chan. Chan is so surprised, he doesn't even manage to notice the senior girl tugging at the pretty freshman's arm, like a whiny brat.   
  
His phone lights up and on the screen is a big bold word "Jisungie", ringing. What perfect timing. He grabs his phone and dashes straight out of the door.   
  
"So what bullshit are you on now?" Chan hears Jisung laugh on the other end of the line as he starts to fish out a packet of cigarettes in his pocket.    
  
"Feisty, aren't you? Did you actually go to the party?" Jisung laughs further as the cold starts hitting Chan's cheeks and ears harshly. He manages to light the cigarette.   
  
"Yeah, I went." He says with a burning cigarette tight between his lips. He takes it out and taps the end for the ash to fall off. "And I'm feisty for a reason, you jerk! You were supposed to go with me!"   
  
Jisung giggles in a high pitch, "Hey! Stop yelling and I'll buy you a pack of pineapple juice at the convenience store. Deal?" He can almost hear the smirk in Jisung's voice, knowing that Chan could never resist the offer of free anything, let alone a free pack of pineapple juice from Jisung - of all people. He takes another drag. Rat bastard.

"Make that two packs, and I'll steal a bottle of booze for you and we can share. Deal?" Chan chuckles as he hears Jisung exclaiming from the excitement on the other line. Jisung has the alcohol tolerance of a 12-year-old boy who just tried his first beer, but that certainly doesn't stop him from jumping at the chance of getting booze.   
  
"Are you having fun?" Jisung is fucking with him. Jerk.   
  
"You have three chances to guess," Chan's nearing the end of his cigarette already. Damn. "Do I really sound like I'm having fun? Keep in mind, I'm taking a smoke right now."   
  
"So I'll take that as a no." Jisung asks, "So why don't you just get that bottle of soju and leave?"   
  
"I was - about to..." Chan completely stops in his tracks as he notices the pretty freshman from before, again staring at him intensely as he leans against the wall opposite of him. Crossed arms, he grows closer a step. A part of Chan wishes he doesn't grow another step closer - this alleyway is too narrow for that. The pretty boy grows 2 steps closer, and he could probably feel his breath on Chan's neck.    
  
The distant sounds of Jisung calling his name get progressively louder, but they fade into one blur. "Hey, hey, Jisung? I'll - I'll call you back.." Chan doesn't know if his ears are red from the cold or from embarrassment.   
  
Thankfully, pretty boy doesn't question anything about it. He just says simply, "What's your name?"   
  
"Bang Chan." Just getting stared at by a boy so pretty is making him so self-conscious, but he straightens his back in an attempt to look and sound confident. He pulls up his cap so the pretty boy can see him properly. "What's yours?"

"Hwang Hyunjin." He smiles. So, the pretty boy has a pretty beauty mark and a pretty name all to match. He points down at Chan's hand, "Those are bad for you. You know that, right?"   
  
He looks down at the cigarette. He got so distracted, the rest of it got burned to ash. He crushes it under his foot and looks up again, doing his best to muster up a smile. "I know they are, which is why I don't smoke all that often. Only when I'm really stressed or nervous." He fishes out the entire packet and waves it around. "I've had this pack for the last 2 months. Don't worry."   
  
Hyunjin opens his mouth, and just as about to say something, he gets interrupted by a smaller boy barging into their conversation. "Hyunjin! Where are you?" Once he gets into his field of vision, Chan recognizes him as Lee Felix - a boy he knew from high school. Felix now has lilac hair, but still the same soft features as he remembers them. He gives Chan a brief look, before locking his hand onto Hyunjin's. "It's so boring without you, c'mon, let's go back!"   
  
Hyunjin nods and they start to leave. Chan watches them closely, and just as about Hyunjin is about to open the door, he looks back. He shakes off Felix's hand, and he can see out of the corner of his eye, a hurt expression on Felix's face. He doesn't care to focus too much on it though. He just stands there, a few feet away from Hyunjin, staring back at him.   
  
Hyunjin's expression is so neutral, it confuses Chan. It looks like he wants something from him, but also doesn't expect a thing. Why is he looking at him like that, lips pressed into a thin line? Hell, why's he even standing there, at the door, looking at him?   
  
Hyunjin turns away and heads inside with Felix before he could manage to get an answer. Damn.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[You have (3) missed calls from changbin :}.]   
  
changbin :} [11:27 am]   
  
christopher bang i am going to slaughter you alive and wash the floor with your eyeballs if you don't pick up   
  
Chan's eyes slowly open, and he reaches for his phone. He sees the text message and scoffs. He calls him again, and Chan picks up. "Why the hell weren't you picking up!?" Changbin yells at him.   
  
Croaky, he replies back, "What's up with you?"   
  
"What's up with me? What's up with you! You do know that today is the deadline for moving things to our dorm, right?" He sounds panicked.   
  
"Wasn't it Wedne-" He stops dead in his tracks as he pulls away from his phone and sees the date. August 28th, 2019. Oh fuck. He springs straight up from his bed, "Changbin, I'll see you there!"   
  
"Bastard, hurry!”

  
  
  
  


  
  
"You look like a damn mess," Minho says with an evil smile on his face as Chan slowly pushes 2 cardboard boxes and an extra backpack into the dorm. He knows he does. He barely managed to brush his teeth and his hair, usually messy and curly, somehow managed to become an even bigger disaster.   
  
"Thanks, Minho, welcome back to me too." Chan scoffs as he pushes the boxes further, managing to open the door. "Aren't you going to help me, asshole?"   
  
"I might." Minho stands up and grabs his backpack for him, and leaves it beside his bed. His room is the same as it was a couple of months ago. There's still a crooked, empty frame on the right wall, and his white desk still has a faint, black coffee stain from his sophomore year. His door is the same too. He sighs as Minho leaves the room, and he rips open the box.

"Aren't you supposed to be at your place?" Chan brings up his backpack on his lap. “And where’s Changbin?”   
  
Chan lived with Minho throughout freshman and sophomore year, but last year, Changbin moved into their dorm. It would be an understatement that they had sexual tension, which made it a little awkward for the three of them to live together. So this year, Chan will be living with Jisung while Minho and Changbin live in their own apartment.   
  
"I moved yesterday." Minho smiles brightly.

Right as Chan was about to retort a snarky comment at him, Changbin opens the door. Minho gives Chan a smug look as they both stood up, and Changbin says, “C’mon. Jisung bought chicken.”   
  
“And beer?” Minho adds.   
  
“He says Chan was supposed to get that.” They move their conversation into the other room, but Chan stands in his room, looking at the boxes on the floor. 

He sighs, deciding he’ll unpack everything later and just grabs the two green bottles of booze he smuggled from last night. Jisung should be grateful that Chan has gotten good at smuggling bottles of anything just from the few parties he's been to over the past years he's been in college. He even managed to get quite a good collection of random things he's stolen from parties. He proudly hangs everything he's stolen on his bedroom door.

Jisung smiles in the shape of a heart when he sees Chan comes outside of his room with two bottles in his hands, one is half drained. He notices that there are two packs of pineapple juice on the table. At least Jisung is true to his word.   
  
Jisung cracks open the bottle with a huge smile on his face, as Chan shakes his head. He watches them getting themselves comfortable around the table, sharing the bottle between themselves and unpacking the freshly made chicken. He notices that there are four glasses on the table. He scoffs, "Who said I was gonna drink? It's 12 pm."    
  
"C'mon!" Jisung tugs hard at Chan's hand, almost knocking him off balance. "This is the last free day before we get swamped with school work. Drink with us!" He pleads at him with his bottom lip out, "Please~? I ordered chicken as well, just for the 5 of us."

"5?" He stares at him with knotted eyebrows from confusion, "There’s only 4 of us?”   
  
Minho chimes in as he’s pulling out the fifth glass, "And your neighbour, Hyunjin."    
  
"Hyu-Hyunjin?" He chokes on straight air. He remembers last night - dark mullet, eye mole, giant coat. It couldn't possibly be  _ tha _ t Hyunjin, could it? No, it couldn't be that one pretty Hyunjin who asked for his name last night. The same one who stared at him just as he looked up from his shot glass. It couldn't be.   
  
"Yeah, Hyunjin," Minho says just as he’s pouring everyone their fair share of booze. "He's a freshman."

The doorbell rings, and Changbin muses, “That must be him.” He opens the door with a smile on his face.   
  
Dark mullet, check. Mole under eye, check. No giant coat in sight. But it's the same Hyunjin from last night. Oh, Chan is fucked!   


When Chan catches his eye, Hyunjin smiles so fondly. At least that's what it looks like to him. "Hyung," He calls out, softly. And that's when all three of them snap their heads to Chan. "You're my neighbour?" Chan doesn't know how to respond with a glass of beer in his hands, so all he does is nod limply.

"You know each other?" Minho points between them, a surprised expression written all over his face.    
  
"Sort of." Hyunjin laughs brightly, looking at Chan and Chan's heart does... something. It's certainly something. Something fast and uncomfortable, like it somehow did a backflip. It's the first time he has ever seen Hyunjin laugh. "We met each other last night at the Welcoming Party. So, I guess you could say we know each other."   
  
"Just not for that long." Chan finishes, and he dares to sneak a look at Jisung and the expression he has is something indescribable. He looks like he's offended, and Chan just knows he'll talk his ear off about this.  _ Save me from it for once, please. _

Hyunjin sits down at the table, and Jisung pours him booze and unpacks his chicken for him. They start making conversation, all four of them, and they ask Hyunjin questions. How does it feel to be a freshman, where’s he from, why he chose this department, those types of typical questions. Chan mostly stays silent during it, just eating and drinking, but Hyunjin catches his eye multiple times.

And every time he does so, Hyunjin has a small smile on his face. Or if he already had a smile on his face, then it’s just a little bit wider. Chan’s heart does something fast and uncomfortable and completely uncontrollable. He doesn’t like the way Hyunjin has such… effect on him. It’s not fair.

Why is he even smiling at him like that?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Once the three of them left, Chan and Jisung are left alone. Chan wants to so desperately avoid the elephant in the room, but by the way Jisung is looking at him so sternly - there’s really no escaping it.   
  
"So," Jisung clasps his hands together when they started to clean up. "Were you just gonna not mention that you met a real-life male Aphrodite?"

"Please don't be this dramatic for once.." Chan groans, coming low from his throat.    
  
"Oh, oh no don't worry," Jisung shakes his head, placing one of his hands on Chan's shoulder, while he uses the other one to motion directly at him. "He's all yours, don’t worry about that. You  _ could  _ have mentioned him though.”   
  
"It happened just last night. Give me a break." Chan huffs, crossing his arms in a defence stance. “And he’s not ‘mine’. He’s just Hyunjin.”

“Just Hyunjin?” Jisung raises his eyebrows like he doesn’t believe Chan. “Well, Just Hyunjin also has everyone from every generation drooling. Just Hyunjin is one of the finest men we all have seen and he knows you. Just Hyunjin calls you fucking hyung.”

Chan rolls his eyes. “So do you!”   
  
“Yeah, but I’m not Hyunjin. I’m the brat you met in high school.” 

“You’re right, you  _ are  _ a brat.” Chan grabs a cloth and stars to wipe the table. “By the way, why did you invite Hyunjin?”   
  
“He lives right across from us. I met him this morning.”   
  
“...Fuck.”   
  
Jisung laughs very obnoxiously.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chan is standing in the courtyard, a burning cigarette between his fingers. It’s between classes, and by the looks of it - it’s going to rain soon. But Chan doesn’t really care.

Chan doesn't like cigarettes. The smoke is somewhat tolerable, he grew up with both parents smoking and almost their entire friend group being smokers as well. If nothing else, at least their persistent smoke will kill his lungs soon enough. It’s exactly why a cigarette is right between his plump lips, the end burning with ash. 

Chan tried his first cigarette when he was 12 years old. His friend Christian pulled out a pack of Parliaments after school and told him to take one. A box of Parliaments was quite expensive for a 13-year-old boy to buy, but somehow Christian had two. Chan was just curious, and Christian was more than willing to show him how to light it properly. When the first puffs of smoke filled his lungs, he was sure that it was going to kill him.

It was a simpler time, being 13 years old. He scrapped all the money he could for video games and another box of cigarettes. Mostly cigarettes.

He really doesn’t smoke often though. It may look like it sometimes, but he doesn’t. He’s had this pack for the past 2 months, and it’s been so worn down by being in his pocket all the time that the cardboard has rips in the corners. Chan doesn’t smoke often. But lately, he’s just been feeling stressed for no reason. Anxious for no reason. Like Paris is burning and yet no one cares.

“Chan.” That’s when a voice he almost couldn’t recognize calls out to him. It’s soft and warmer than the clouds.

“Oh, Hyunjin.” Chan smiles politely at him, even though he didn’t expect him to be here at all.

“We only seem to meet alone when you’re out for a smoke, don’t we?” Hyunjin looks out into the courtyard, and Chan has nothing to reply back with. It’s true - Hyunjin always seems to catch him in the act. He always manages to catch him when he’s stressed. They stand there in a moment of silence, cigarette smoke in the air between them.

Then, Hyunjin seems to grow serious. It’s still that soft tone of voice that he always uses when he’s around Chan, but it somehow feels stern. Different. “Don’t you smoke when you’re stressed?”

Chan doesn’t look at him in the eye. “Yeah, I do. Why?”

“Then, what are you stressed about?” Chan can see Hyunjin looking at him directly from the corner of his eye. 

It takes a moment for him to answer because he honestly doesn’t really know how to. What is he stressed about, even? It’s too early in the school year to be stressed about assignments and grades. He hasn’t had any problems within his friend group, he has a great relationship with his parents and at least he doesn’t eat ramen noodles that much. So, what is he stressed about? 

He replies meekly, like he’s ashamed, “I… I don’t know.”   
  
“Well.” He turns to look at him, and Hyunjin nods. “When you wanna smoke, just call me, okay? I promise I’ll do my best to help you.” Chan watches helplessly as Hyunjin fishes out a piece of tissue paper and a pen and writes down a line of numbers the best he can. 

Hyunjin forces Chan to open his palm, and on it, he places that same tissue paper. ‘Hwang Hyunjin, 0XX XXX XXXX’. 

Chan stares at it, then reads it over a second, then a third, then a fourth time. He looks up at Hyunjin, and almost a whisper he says, “...Why are you doing this?”   
  
“Smoking is bad for your health,” He states it so matter-of-factly. He states it like Paris isn’t up in flames. Won't that smoke kill him too? “Letting out how you feel is not. I have 2 ears always willing to listen.”

So now Chan has Hwang Hyunjin’s number. The same Hwang Hyunjin has a beauty mark just under his eye, a dark brown mullet, and a giant white coat. The same Hwang Hyunjin apparently has enough room in his heart to care about Bang Chan, for some reason.

He has his phone number.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’m going to invite Hyunjin to dinner,” Jisung says on a Sunday night, right as they were discussing what to order. 

“And why is that?” Chan's suddenly alert, looking up from his phone with wide eyes.   
  
Jisung shrugs, with a smug smirk on his face, “Hyunjin lives alone, he says he gets lonely sometimes. And you can get closer to him. It’s a win-win.” 

Chan groans, “Oh fuck you.”   
  
“Too bad. I already texted him.”   
  
“You what-”

“And he’s about to come over in a minute.”   
  
“I will punch you.”   
  
“You’re welcome.”

“Are y’all going to the MT or what?” Jisung says muffled, a mouth full of chicken.

Ah yes, the MT. It’s a weekend field trip that the college has every year after midterms are over. Used mostly just to mess around too much and have the lowerclassmen and upperclassmen bond. Sounds nice in theory, right?   
  
But it’s actually the time where the most dramas happen. If Chan can remember correctly, last year a senior boy cheated on his girlfriend during the MT with a freshman. When she found out, a long series of leaked nudes followed suit. So honestly? Chan’s not really all that excited to go.

“Of course!” Hyunjin says with a large smile. His cheeks are full of chicken, too. He looks kinda cute when he’s eating though. “I’m really excited to go. Right, Chan? You’re going too, right?” Hyunjin turns, looking at him all too hopefully.

“Yeah, Chan, you’re going, aren’t you?” Jisung says, so smugly with an evil smile on his face. He knows how much he doesn’t like going to the MT. Damn bastard.

“I wasn’t planning on it, honestly.” He looks down at his plate, while his other hand grips the cold beer. “The only reason why I went last year was that I was still living with Minho and Changbin, and those two needed privacy to work their feelings out. When I came back, they told me they’re dating.” Chan looks up at Jisung, laughing at all that stupid drama.

“Minho and Changbin both have egos bigger than skyscrapers. I have no idea how they work so well together.” Jisung shakes his head as he takes another sip of his beer. 

“I’ll be going though. I think.” He says shyly, then looks down and picks at his chicken.   
  
“Aren’t you going this year to get some alone time with  _ him _ ~?” Jisung singsongs.

Chan immediately feels an incredible urge to punch him. But Jihyo sees Jisung as her child and if Chan was to do anything to Jisung, he can expect Jihyo showing up to his door with a baseball bat. “I’m going to kill you.” Even if Chan is physically bigger than both of them.

All the while poor Hyunjin is moving his eyes back and forth between both of them, Jisung with his evil smile and Chan who suddenly seems way too interested in staring at their table cloth. “Who are you talking about?”   
  
“It’s no one, Jin. Don’t listen to him.” Chan’s too quick to brush it off.

But they do. Jisung continues chatting happily with Hyunjin and Hyunjin seems to forget about it, too. Only Chan is still thinking about it, staring at their table cloth. He can barely hear what they’re talking about, but he can hear his quickening heartbeat. His pulse is getting faster just thinking about the MT. Oh god.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I was so excited about this, I couldn’t even sleep!” Jisung says like a child once they board their bus, on their way to the MT.

Chan feels rigid and like he’s still half-asleep as he sits in the window seat, staring lifelessly at his own hands. His palms are already beginning to become damp with sweat, and it’s actually kind of disgusting. 

He pulls out an eye mask from his backpack. “Goodnight.”

“Channn,” Jisung whines, tugging at Chan’s sleeve. He doesn’t react to it though, and he can hear Jisung puff from frustration in his aisle seat.

Before he can slip on his eyemask, he sees Hyunjin laughing a few seats down him. When he sees him just sitting there, snugged all nicely in a jean jacket and a scarf. Chan’s heart does that uncomfortable, fast thing once again. It feels like he can’t control his heart.

This MT is going to be the most agonizing trip that he’s ever taken.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“They’re really making us do team bonding games, like a bunch of middle schoolers…” Chan curses under his breath, scooting closer to an indifferent Jisung on the floor. 

“Why? I’m actually looking forward to it a bit. It’ll be fun getting to know all the freshmen!” Jisung pats Chan’s shoulder, while Chan grimaces. Changbin and Minho haven’t come as they all expected they wouldn’t, but at least Jisung is here. And Chan doesn’t have to think about the fact that they’re probably having obnoxiously loud sex in their dorm right now. 

Oh, that reminds him. “Has Woojin come?”

“Yeah.” Jisung presses his lips in a thin line. “He said we should come by his room later. He’s in 223A, if I can remember correctly. The grey hotel.”   
  
“Oh, I’m in 229A, so he’s just down the-”

“Chan!” Someone yells out on the right side, making Chan jump from his seat. Jisung laughs as he points out where the voice was coming from, and Chan spots a grinning Hyunjin waving his arms. 

“Oh, Hyunjin! Come here!” Jisung yells out to him, and before Hyunjin is close enough, he bumps his elbow into Chan and whispers loud enough for him to hear, “This Hyunjin kid has really taken a liking to you. Don’t break his heart, hyung~”

Chan scoffs, “If it’s going to be anyone breaking someone’s heart, then he’ll probably break mine.”

Hyunjin smiles at him brightly, and Chan scoots over to Jisung so much that he’s practically sitting in his lap. But Hyunjin is so close to him that he can’t even listen to the host on the stage properly. 

Hyunjin leans close to Chan’s ear and says loud enough just for Chan to hear. “Hyung, you can scoot near me, there’s space here.”

Jisung bumps his elbow into Chan’s abdomen, and Chan winces loudly. He glares at him as he scoots nearer to Hyunjin, but Jisung just stares into the stage with a mischievous smile on his face. 

The freshman class of Broadcasting start appearing one by one on the stage, but Chan can’t see any of them well. Hyunjin lightly pinches Chan’s side, catching his attention. He smiles, “Chan. Who’s the most handsome up there, on the stage?”   
  
It catches him so off guard that Chan just stares at Hyunjin for a moment, with his mouth open. He shakes his head when he finally realizes what he was asking, and Chan’s hands go up to his hair. “Uh… I can’t see any of them well. I don’t know.”

“I see.” Chan’s face is too hot. He refuses to look at Hyunjin. Chan’s heart is constantly doing that fast, too uncomfortable thing but now it just feels like his heart’s gonna jump out of his ribcage.    


Chan gets up suddenly. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” He bolts out of there as fast as he could, because the feeling of blushing for no reason is so embarrassing it’s just making him blush even more. Ironic.

Thankfully, the bathroom is quite near. He stands in front of the sink, his hands gripping tightly onto it. He stands up straight, and his cold hand pushes up his hair from his face. Chan looks … unfamiliar to himself. His pushed up hair falling everywhere and his face was soaked with water, dripping off his jaw, are all somewhat unfamiliar. 

“Chan!” He was even too focused on the blood rushing too fast to his cheeks that he didn’t notice the door behind him had opened, and that Kim Woojin was standing right there.

He looks at him through the mirror with a growing smile on his face and turns around.

The last time he saw Woojin was in July, maybe 15ish days after the school year had ended. Woojin hasn’t changed much in the months he hadn’t seen him, aside from the fact that now his hair is light brown instead of black and it’s parted down the middle. He actually looks good. Huh.

“How have you been?” Woojin asks innocently, but it feels like a difficult question.

(Pop quiz: How have you been?   
  
a) ???   
  
b) ???   
  
c) ???)

“Uh… I don’t really know, it’s been pretty.. hectic.” Chan scratches the back of his neck. If it was anyone else that he was talking to, he would’ve said a simple “I’m fine”, but it’s Woojin. Woojin is close enough for Chan to know that he’s trustworthy, and even if he just lied straight through his teeth, Woojin would’ve known. “You haven’t changed, aside from the hair.” Woojin always knows.

Woojin smiles, and Chan feels the way he’s coming down to Earth again. Woojin is just a nice person to be around. “I’ve already told Jisung, but come down my hotel room when you can. We’ll probably be drinking and stuff, and you can tell me all about it.”   
  
“Yeah, sure.” Chan smiles back, and then just as he’s about to leave the bathroom, he adds, “It’s nice to see you. I missed you, dumbass.” Chan laughs awkwardly.

“I missed you too, knucklehead.” Woojin laughs and pats Chan’s shoulder.

He leaves, and that nice, warm feeling that Woojin gives off is still there, but that warmth is still present in Chan’s cheeks, no matter the fact that he already washed his face twice. 

Chan sits down, and again he’s just a centimetre closer to Jisung than he usually is. Hyunjin taps his shoulder though, and once he caught Chan’s attention, he asks, “Who was that?”

“Woojin?” Hyunjin nods. “Oh. We’re friends, haven’t talked to him in a while though.” Chan rubs the back of his neck.

“You seem to be comfortable with him,” He doesn’t look like he’s too glad that Chan is comfortable with Woojin, though. “Considering how your ears are all red.”

“Really?” Chan chuckles. He doesn’t respond back though, just makes him comfortable again on the floor. I’m pretty sure it’s not because of Woojin, Hwang. 

Afterwards, though, Hyunjin moved away just a centimetre. And he got oddly quiet all of a sudden, which makes the air feel… uncomfortable. Like the air suddenly got all humid and stuffy, and Chan can’t find a way to breathe.

He only looks at the stage to count down the seconds until this is over. The moment everyone stands up, Chan bolts out of there as fast as he can. He doesn’t even listen to Jisung calling out his name in the distance. It’s way behind him now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Around 9pm, Chan gets a text.

woojin :] [9:08pm]

hey

i have a small group here in my hotel room, we have a bunch of booze

why don’t you stop by? i heard you’re just down the hall

bring jisung w you too if you can

chan [9:11pm]

yeah sure

i’ll be there in like, 15

jisung might stay for a bit but don’t expect me to stay for a while lol

woojin :] [9:13pm]

yea i know lmao

He doesn’t reply with anything back. Jisung is two floors down, so he sends him a quick text. 10 minutes later, they’re heading towards Woojin’s. 

Woojin greets them both a warm smile at the door, and a quiet “Come on in.” Chan hasn’t even taken two steps and he can already hear loud laughter and the clinking of bottles. 

The second he hears a very, very loud female voice laughing and yelling “Hyunjin~!”, he knew it was a terrible idea to come here.

Jisung just acts oblivious when they step inside, and Chan confirms his suspicions. It’s Hwang Hyunjin, just now in a red shirt and a necklace lining his neck. Same beauty mark and dark mullet. They meet eyes, but Chan looks away.

He sits down and Jisung sits down next to him as well and places a hand on his thigh. He looks up, and Jisung has a small, supportive smile on his face. It’s enough for him to feel at least a tiny bit better.

Chan looks up to look at Woojin, to see where he is but instead locks eyes with Hyunjin. He doesn’t really smile this time though, and that starts to quicken Chan’s pulse - but not in one of those good, jittery ways. It’s more like one of those dreadful, anxious ways. Hyunjin looks away.

“I want to go…” Chan whispers into Jisung’s ear. 

“Stay for at least a little while,” He pleads. “Not for long, but just a tiny bit. You don’t have to drink if you want to, and if you need anything, just tell me.” Chan has no choice but to nod along. At least he’s not forcing him to drink. If he had even a bit of alcohol in his system right now, he’s sure that he’ll throw up.

Not before long, Chan’s breathing is starting to get short, and he feels so warm. Too much. The clock ticking on the wall is too loud, way too noisy. The people around him are too warm, it feels like he’s going to throw up the 5 dollar lunch he had earlier that day. They’re all laughing, drinking, being so carefree. So why is Chan so nervous?   
  
“I’m - I’m going to go outside for a bit,” Chan says quietly, and he thinks that nobody hears him. Why would they? He doesn’t matter all that much.

The fresh air hits his skin like a slap in the face. 

Chan places his sweaty hands on his knees, steadying his breathing the best that he can. He can’t focus on anything other than steadying his breath. He doesn’t even manage to hear the door opening and shutting. He stands up again, and his hand goes down into his pockets for his pack of Raison. 

“Don’t.” 

“Wha- Oh. Hyunjin.” Chan turns around and sees Hyunjin standing just outside the door, his hands in his pockets. Chan puts the pack back.

Calmly and quietly, he says, “Don’t smoke.” It sounds more like a command.

Chan feels ashamed and embarrassed for some reason. It’s the same way he felt when his mom caught him smoking when he was 14 years old. Meek, he asks, “How did you know?”

“You looked worried before you got out of the room,” Chan doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that Hyunjin was keeping his eye on Chan before he got out. “You said you smoke when you’re stressed. I told you to call me when that happens.”

“I’m sorry,” He really is. “I forgot.” He did. He was way too caught up in the anxiety of it all to really process anything or remember anything that he was supposed to.

Hyunjin sighs. “Hyung.” He whispers softly, “Are you okay?” It’s upsettingly soft. Upsettingly gentle.   
  
“Yeah. I’m just a bit dizzy.” Chan smiles, despite not feeling any better physically. Hyunjin grabs his hand unexpectedly, and Chan just looks at him like he just got off a UFO from Mars. He doesn’t know what to do, what motion to reply with. Hyunjin starts to rub circles into the back of his hand. 

“I promise you didn’t ruin the mood.” Can he read minds? Chan didn’t even say anything, but it’s like he didn’t have to. Hyunjin speaks to him calmingly, like he’s a warm wave of seawater on the beach. Hyunjin’s other hand clasps it on the back of Chan’s hand and he gently traces Chan’s fingers with his own.

Hyunjin’s finger ghosts over the rough edges of Chan’s hands, and then over the bumps of his veins. His eyes skim Chan’s face, and it’s like everything slows down. Like stopping suddenly right in the middle of a marathon. “Everyone was too drunk to even notice, or pay attention at all. It’s okay.” Chan appreciates him so, so much in just that moment alone. “You’re okay.” He says it more like a promise.   
  
“Thank you,” Chan says, but it comes out like a sigh. He takes a pause, “Let’s go back.”   
  
Hyunjin smiles. The warm, yellow light is hitting Hyunjin’s face differently but he looks good. Or Chan’s just high on his adrenaline rush. “We’ll go home tomorrow. Just hold in there, Channie.”

And there he goes. Making him feel warm all over again. 

Hyunjin says the word ‘Channie’ so gently. Like this is a movie, and it’s right after the climax when the main characters are starting to solve the conflict and everything actually turns out pretty okay. Chan hums, slightly strangled, and if Hyunjin notices - he notices. But he doesn’t say anything. 

Then, Hyunjin lets go of Chan’s hand.

“Are you really okay? Your face is still red.” He can bet on that. Chan feels the blood rushing to his cheeks, especially since Hyunjin’s hand is up to Chan’s forehead. Hyunjin presses his other hand to his own forehead, “I don’t think it’s a cold, though…”

“I’m okay.” Chan moves Hyunjin’s hand away in the least rude way he can possibly manage. “Let’s just go back.”

And Hyunjin just smiles like he always does. Like Chan didn’t just push him away like he always does.

  
  
  
  
  


When they got back to Chan’s room, Hyunjin stood there in front of him, fumbling with the ends of his shirt. It’s not like Chan can invite him inside though. Because what will they do once they get inside? Stare at each other awkwardly like they’re doing right now?

Hyunjin asks quietly, his hands still fumbling and creating crinkles at the end of his shirt. “I’ll see you tomorrow right?” Isn’t Chan the one who’s supposed to uncomfortable?

“You will.” Chan smiles awkwardly, his hands getting sweatier by the second. “We always see each other.” He laughs nervously under his breath.

“Being neighbours has its quirks.” Hyunjin smiled with his hands behind his back. Then, too softly, so soft it makes Chan feel something like affection, he says, “Goodnight, Chan.”   
  
“Goodnight, Hyunjin.”

But strangely, Chan didn’t want him to leave. It hurt his chest just to close the door. And he lost feeling in his hands when he laid down on his bed. Hearing Hyunjin’s footsteps becoming more and more distant, it made him feel… strange.

But even if he did stay, what would they do? Stare at each other? Laugh? Would Hyunjin go back to his own room or sleep in Chan’s? There’s really nothing that they could do together if Hyunjin had stayed.

And yet, Chan still wishes he had.

“Where did you run off to last night?” Jisung asks him when they’re huddled together, ready to get onto the bus.

“Oh. I just got a bit anxious so I left early. Why?” Chan fingers tap, tap, tap against his backpack strap. The rhythm is a bit offbeat, but he’s getting there.

“Hyunjin asked me about you.” The tapping stops. Chan’s grip tightens and his palm is already starting to get damp with sweat. Fuck. “He asked me if you have really bad anxiety or something like that.”   
  
“He…” The conversation that’s going on is really not sinking in the way it should. “He asked about me?”   
  
“Yeah,” Jisung says, with a knowing smile on his face. If it was any other occasion, he would make a snarky comment about the way Jisung is looking at him, as if he’s all smug and knowing. But he doesn’t. They just huddle onto the bus and sit down.

Jisung is out like a light next to him, and Chan provides his shoulder for him to sleep comfortably on. If this was any other occasion, he would’ve complained about the massive shoulder ache he’s going to get from Jisung or just pass out. Instead, Chan zones out, staring deeply at the space between the seat in front of him and the window.

So many thoughts ran through his mind. Chan’s mind just goes into a gigantic frenzy, and he can barely catch each thought that goes through or fully flesh them out before they’re gone. 

When they hit a turn, Chan looks up and he notices that Hyunjin is in his view again. Except this time, instead of Hyunjin just talking and laughing, he notices Chan too. A bright smile appears on his face, and he waves to Chan. He waves back weakly, not believing that Hyunjin actually smiled at him.

When their eyes move away, Chan turns over his hand. Last night, these were the rough edges that Hyunjin traced with his own fingers. The same bump of his vein, Hyunjin touched him delicately. Like he’s something… something that’s precious. Or something so fragile, the slightest pressure could break him.

All of this truly begs the question. Does Hyunjin care about Chan? Or, does he just pity him?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


From all the years he’s been in college, he hasn’t really spent many eating or drinking alone. If he wants to drink alone, that probably just means he’s sad and drinking alone will make him feel even sadder. Eating alone is usually only circumstantial. 

Tonight, Jisung is not at their dorm. Instead, he’s at a friend’s studying together. Chan got home late and tired, so out of autopilot - he made bibimbap for two. Bibimbap is not the hardest thing to make but not the easiest either, and today he was just craving it for dinner, for some reason. By the time he remembered Jisung is not coming home, he was already finished cooking it.

Had it been another time, he would just pack the extra bibimbap and leave it in the microwave for Jisung when he comes back tomorrow. But it’s Friday, it’s cold in the dorms and Chan just doesn’t feel like eating alone.

When he thinks of someone to call for them to come over to his place, surprisingly, Hwang Hyunjin is the first one to come to mind. He has his phone number, and he lives right across him.

Chan stands there with two bowls of freshly made bibimbap and his phone in his hands. His heart is beating like crazy as he opens Hyunjin’s contact.

chan [9:01pm]

hey hyunjin! it’s chan. jisung isn’t here and i don’t wanna eat alone, wanna come over?

...But that sounds too eager, doesn’t it? Like he’s actually expecting Hyunjin to be home and to come over. It sounds like he’s asking him out.

chan [9:04pm}

hey, it’s chan. made some bibimbap. wanna come over?   
  
But that one sounds too cold, too demanding. It also fails to mention that Jisung isn’t here and they’ll be completely alone. Together. Eating bibimbap.

chan [9:13 pm]

hey hyunjin, it’s chan. jisung isn’t here and i made some extra bibimbap. wanna come over?

hwang hyunjin [9:15 pm]

yeah, sure!! i’ll be there in 5ish minutes !! :DD

In less than 5 minutes actually, there’s a knock on Chan’s door. When Chan opens it, Hyunjin is on the other side in a white t-shirt and some plaid pyjama pants. He looks comfortable like he was getting ready for bed.

But then, Chan remembers that he’s still in the outfit he’s been wearing since this morning. He hadn’t even changed into any comfortable clothes, and now Chan is either overdressed or Hyunjin is underdressed. Probably the former.

Hyunjin doesn’t seem to mind though. He just greets Chan with a smile. Chan opens the door wider and says, “Come on in.”   
  
“Are you stressed about anything?” Hyunjin asks once they had sat down and started to eat.

Chan looks at him with surprise, but then he laughs. “You couldn’t even start with like, how’s your day or anything?”

“I told you to call me when you’re stressed,” Hyunjin takes a big bite.

“You’re not my stress booty call, Hyunjin,” Chan says it before he even realizes what he’s saying, and once he realizes what he actually said - it’s too late. Chan is red as a beet and Hyunjin is laughing so hard, he can’t even swallow the bite he took. 

Hyunjin is still laughing when Chan quietly adds, still so red, “I just - I just, um, I didn’t want to eat alone. I’m not stressed about anything.”   
  
Hyunjin is still grinning wide, his teeth showing when he replies, “It’s okay, I’m glad you’re not.” He’s looking at him fondly, and if Chan could get any redder, he probably would. “I feel a bit underdressed though since you’re in that leather jacket and all.”   
  
“It’s fine,” Chan replies sheepishly. “I feel overdressed, actually.”

“No, you look good.” 

  
Chan looks up from his bowl, only to see Hyunjin with that same look on his face. Looking at Chan like he’s actually fond of him or something, and Chan has no idea how to respond. His mouth opens a little from shock, and he’s about to say something when Hyunjin cuts him off.

“Would you like some tea?”

“You’re - You’re in my dorm, though?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Hyunjin stands up and Chan realizes that he hasn’t even finished eating. “Lemme make you some tea.”   
  
“Uh - Uhm… the tea is in the bottom left cabinet. We only have lavender, which is fine…” Chan stares down at his bowl, and doesn’t look up until Hyunjin comes back 10 minutes later with a smile and two cups of tea.

“The MT was kinda wild,” Hyunjin says with a chuckle. 

“It wasn’t really,” Chan shrugs mildly. “Last year, some dude cheated on his girlfriend so a bunch of nudes got leaked.”

Hyunjin’s jaw drops, and he laughs at him. “Really?”

“Yeah, it’s why I don’t like the MT.” Chan has been at this university far too long to actually be surprised by anything that happens. “Too much drama. I don’t like drama.” 

  
  
  
  


"This might sound really weird, and I'm sorry if it does. People tell me that I really don't have a filter sometimes and say strange things out of the blue." So that's a great way to pique his interest. But whatever Hyunjin said before he asked could never prepare him for the actual favour he had to ask of him.

“Can I stay over?” Hyunjin asks like it’s nothing. Like Hyunjin always comes over for dinner, makes Chan lavender tea and talks to him about his day.

"Excuse me?"   
  
"I'm sorry, but it gets really lonely in my room, living alone and all. I miss being with someone.” Hyunjin chuckles, but it’s bitter. “That’s why I have you with me often.”   
  
That leaves Chan with a lukewarm mug of tea in his hand and a bittersweet taste in his mouth. He looks at Hyunjin for some sign that he’s joking, and he searches for it everywhere. In his mouth, in his eyes, in his whole face, but he seems to… not actually be joking.

  
Chan takes a deep breath, before saying, “Sure.”   
  
Hyunjin grins. “I’ll go get my stuff, then.”

He leaves the mug on the table and dashes out the door, and for some reason, he had a smile on his face. It still feels like a joke.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They decided that Chan would sleep on the floor, and Hyunjin would sleep on Chan’s bed (even though Hyunjin insisted on sleeping on the floor). The fact that Hyunjin is curled up in Chan’s sheets is… something. He’s sleeping under the same blanket Chan’s been sleeping with for the past 4 years.

Now that he thinks about it, he never had someone else sleeping on his bed. He hasn’t even dated since his second year of college. And Chan mostly slept over at their place. Hyunjin’s the first one. It feels so warm.

“Chan?” Hyunjin whispers, as he peaks his head from above the bed. “You’re awake. Are you okay?”   
  
“Why are you asking that?”   
  
“Your breathing’s kinda funny.” There’s little light in their room, but Chan can make out the shape of Hyunjin’s lips, and his eyes, and his eyebrows knotted together too. He looks a bit concerned.

“I’m okay,” Chan smiles at Hyunjin. He says it more like he’s trying to convince himself, than convincing Hyunjin.

Chan only said yes to Hyunjin, not because he wanted Hyunjin to be near him or anything. He only said yes because truth is, Chan doesn’t sleep the best when he’s alone. Or generally. It's why he either stares blankly at the ceiling or stares at a laptop screen until the early hours of the morning. Chan doesn't like Hyunjin like that. He can just sympathize with him.   
  
The back of his head is starting to ache with a desperate want to sleep in maybe around 20 minutes. For some reason, having Hyunjin there made everything so much calmer. Like for once, his brain wasn’t thinking about 50 million things. It was just one, in fact.

It was just about Hyunjin.

And then he went off into the world he’s so desperate to see every night of the week.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he had woken up, that warm feeling was still persistent from last night. He slowly crept his eyes open, and Hyunjin was still there, sleeping soundly. He was still in a white t-shirt and those gray plaid pants from last night, which proves that it wasn’t a dream actually. And Chan did fall asleep embarrassingly fast just because Hyunjin was there.

He’s so close though. Even though they’re actually not that near to each other, they’re close. So damn close. He can see that mole under his eye even better now that he’s up close, and the heat is comforting. Hyunjin is so pretty, now that he thinks about it.

Chan’s hand moves from his side, and its ghosts right above Hyunjin’s neck. He’s so tempted to touch it, but he knows he shouldn’t. Chan lands his finger on Hyunjin’s neck. It stays there for a few seconds before he moves it down with no pressure applied. You drive me insane…

Chan lifts his blanket up and leaves the room as quick as he could.

“Hyung,” Hyunjin calls out for him, his voice all croaky. He has a sleepy smile on his face, his eyes barely even open. Chan bets he’s still just as warm as he was a minute ago. “Thank you.”   
  
“For what?” Chan looks down at his slippers. 

“For everything.” Hyunjin says with that same stupid grin, before he closes his eyes again.

Inside of Chan’s stomach, there’s an explosion of butterflies everywhere.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chan is at Hyunjin’s dorm one night.

Hyunjin’s dorm is really no different from Jisung and Chan’s, except it feels a lot more… lonely. Not to toot his own horn, but despite the fact that Jisung and Chan live in a shitty student dorm, they make it look like it’s actually lived in. Like it’s actually home to two stressed-out college students. Chan has a coffee stain on his desk, Jisung has a small dent in his wall from that one time he was so stressed out from studying he threw his phone at the wall, there’s a chicken noodle soup stain on the carpet, there’s a very embarrassing polaroid that Chan took of a known fuckboy at the university on his bedroom door. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Hyunjin’s dorm, Chan noticed, still looks like it’s ready to get unpacked. It looks lonely, somehow. Which isn’t that big of a surprise, really, because Hyunjin complains all the time about how lonely he is. It’s why he’s always either at Chan’s dorm or he has Chan over. 

After a few minutes of Chan staying awfully quiet, just staring off into space, Hyunjin asks. “Chan, are you okay?”

The truth is, Chan doesn’t feel too great today. He woke up at 4 in the morning after having a really bad nightmare, and ever since then, he really just hasn’t been feeling it. He didn’t really want to eat dinner with Jisung, or text Jihyo, or even come over to Hyunjin’s. But he still went along with it anyway. He’s not someone to say no. He can’t really reject anyone for the life of him. 

After another long minute of Chan staying silent, he remembers again what the question was. He looks up at Hyunjin and decides to lie straight through his teeth. “Yeah.”

Hyunjin keeps looking at him, and there’s something indescribable in his eyes. Then, he sighs and looks away. “I wish you were more honest with me.” A knot forms in Chan’s throat, and it feels like it’s suffocating him slowly. “You don’t have to tell me everything, because it’s really hard to open up to people but - I wish that when I ask you whether you’re okay, you answer honestly.” But Hyunjin just keeps going on and on, as if he’s talking to himself. 

A small smile appears on his face. “If you say yes, and mean it, I'll be happy with you so that you can stay happy.” His smile turns into a small frown, and he sighs. “If you say yes but don’t mean it, I’ll just be concerned about you. I'll wonder where your head is at.” 

Then, Hyunjin turns to Chan and speaks slowly. As if he’s trying to write out what he’s trying to say in big, bold letters. “If you say no, I'll do my best to comfort you. I'll ask questions, yes, but if you say you don’t want to talk about it, I promise I won't say anything more.” 

Then quietly, quietly he says, no, he pleads, “Just please be honest with me.”

Chan can’t do anything but stare at Hyunjin with pure… shock. Chan had always thought that in the back of his mind, he didn’t truly matter. To anyone. If someone showed up tomorrow with the same black clothes, same dark curly hair and same dimple, and that person just suddenly replaced the real Bang Chan - no one would notice.

If Chan just acted the way he usually does, would anyone notice that Chan doesn’t know who he is anymore? That Chan can’t find comfort and happiness in the same things the way he used to? That Chan can’t find himself?

“...Okay.”   
  
“Okay?” A smile reappears on Hyunjin’s face, and it’s the type of wide smile that his eyes turn into little crescents and his teeth show. Hyunjin’s smile is really pretty. He’d like to see it all the time. “Okay.”   
  
“I’ll do my best to be honest with you.” Chan forces himself to smile back, and he bets it comes off as a bit awkward. Hyunjin probably notices, but he doesn’t choose to comment on it. “I can’t guarantee that I’ll tell you what’s bothering me, but I’ll tell you if I’m okay or not.”    
  
Why does Chan feel so overwhelmed at just Hyunjin’s simple nod, and wide smile? Why is Hyunjin smiling? Does it make him happy? Why does he have this soft, fond smile on his face? Why is he looking at Chan like that?

“You know, you work so hard, don’t you?” Hyunjin says softly, his fists full with his blanket. Chan goes still again, just staring at him with his mouth open. “You work so hard on your music and you love your friends with all your heart. You’re so nice to me, and I don’t think I’ve ever met a man as passionate as you are. You go on and on about producing and I don’t understand a single word but it’s just really nice to listen to.” Hyunjin smiles softly. “So many people say that you’re cold, but they don’t know you. You’re really warmhearted and you work really hard. It’s really c- oh my god, are you crying?"   
  
"No," Chan mutters, right as he starts sobbing. He feels so nice but so embarrassed that he hides his face in his hands.

  
"Shit," Hyunjin scrambles to sit right in front of Chan, his hands on Chan’s knees. "Chan, please don’t cry. I didn’t - I didn’t mean to make you cry. Please don’t cry, you’re gonna make me cr-cry too, it was stupid. I'm sorry."   
  
Chan sniffles loudly. He can just picture his bloated eyes, but he’s too busy sobbing like a child.

Hyunjin curses under his breath and grabs onto Chan’s wrist, shaking him softly. His other hand is still on his knee, coming up to squeeze his thigh gently. He pleads desperately, “Chan, Chan please look at me.”   
  
"Hyunjin, no it’s okay," He manages to say when he peaks out underneath his hands, his palms now soaked with his own tears. Hyunjin is on the brim of tears because of how worried he is, Chan can tell. He chuckles, "I'm not upset. I'm really, really happy."   
  
"—What?"   
  
"I just - I just feel so appreciated,” Chan blabbers on, trying his best to take a breath. “Oh my god, that was so overwhelming." Hyunjin’s tears haven’t dropped down his face at all, but his expression is a mixture of confused and concerned. Chan laughs and grabs Hyunjin’s wrist. He rubs a circle into his skin. "I’m sorry for worrying you for a bit there. It’s been a long week.”   
  
"Oh my god." Hyunjin’s hands wipe the sweat off his forehead. “Can - Can you like, hold me for a second? My blood pressure just had a rollercoaster ride.”   
  
Chan wrapped his arms around Hyunjin instantly and held the back of his head with his hand. He says, “I’ve got you.” He nuzzles the back of his neck. “I do, I’ve got you.” Hyunjin’s breathing is deep, slow before his hands reach Chan’s waist and he tugs at his hoodie. Chan guesses that it’s like a comfort thing because of Hyunjin tugging at his hoodie again. His hands then rest firmly on his waist.

“You can pull at it if you want to. If it makes you feel better.” Chan feels a great amount of comfort holding Hyunjin like this. Close, they’re close, and yet the warmth isn’t bothering him anymore. Hyunjin’s hands go up to Chan’s back, and they tug. Right as Hyunjin gets himself comfortable in the crook of Chan’s neck, he starts giggling into Chan’s hoodie. 

“What are you laughing about?”   
  
“It’s just funny,” Hyunjin lifts his face up, and they’re only about 8 inches apart. Hyunjin can barely manage to get a word out without laughing, “That - That a second ago, I was scolding you. And then I praised you, and you started crying, and I almost started crying too, and now we’re just holding each other.”   
  
“You’re weird for laughing at that,” Chan says, right as he starts laughing as well. “But it does seem like we’re just two 5-year-olds who got into a fight, and now we have to make up by hugging.”   
  
Hyunjin cackles, “See! Exactly!” and then he returns to his place in Chan’s neck. He’s still laughing a little bit, and Chan’s skin is vibrating from where Hyunjin is laughing into it. It’s kinda funny.

They hold each other. And it’s kinda funny. Chan is rubbing circles into Hyunjin’s back, and Hyunjin isn’t tugging at his hoodie anymore. And yet, the blood in his veins is prickly. Feels like a cactus. Chan still wants to apologize, but the way Hyunjin is softly smiling with his eyes closed probably means that he doesn’t have to. So he just stays in place, rubbing the same circles, not saying a word out loud. The way he’s smiling makes Chan want to reach out and trace his face with his finger, but he doesn’t dare to.

Usually, whenever Hyunjin got close - it makes Chan blush a lot. And he’s still blushing, and he still feels warm, but now it feels like it fits. Like Chan isn’t alone, and that this is how it’s supposed to be. This is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.

Hyunjin doesn’t move away for what feels like a warm eternity. And it feels the way it should. For the first time in a way, Chan feels the way he should.

Happy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  


Today, Jisung decided to skip class because of mental health and because all his other friends are too busy themselves, Chan is eating lunch alone. It’s fine, he doesn’t mind much. He still wishes someone was here with him, but he can eat lunch alone every now and again. He understands.

That is, until Hyunjin sat across him, with a tray in his hands and a smile on his face. 

“Hyunjin?” Chan notices bullets of sweat dripping down his forehead, his hair sticking to his face. 

“Sorry that I’m a little bit late, I just got out of class and ran here.” Hyunjin certainly looks like it. Chan’s mad that he still manages to look good, even while looking like and smelling of sweat. Nevermind that, Chan’s confused about why the hell would he run to the cafeteria instead of just walking.

“It’s fine…” He’s not going to mention it though, because although it’s confusing - it feels nice. Their relationship feels nice now.

“Jisung’s not here?” Hyunjin asks as he’s opening his water bottle.   
  
“Nah,” Chan actually doesn’t blush as much as he did before around Hyunjin. “He’s skipping today. Mental health check or something like that.”   
  
“Oh, I should text him later to see how he’s doing.” 

Making conversation like this, their vibe, their atmosphere together - it’s all completely shifted. Chan was pretty sure that Hyunjin would become someone important to him, but now he actually has. They’ve changed so much, grown so much even, so much so that it’s enough to make Chan’s worries pale into insignificance

Suddenly, Hyunjin stops in the middle of eating, just to smile and say, “I’m glad I made it here.”

Even in all his comfort, Chan gets taken aback. He laughs nervously but continues eating nonetheless.

“Oh, hyung,” Hyunjin reaches out his hand. “You have something on your face.” And then wipes off whatever it was off his face, with his hand.

Chan’s eyes shoot wide open, looking at Hyunjin with his mouth agape. Hyunjin just retreats his hand and continues drinking his water as if nothing happened.

Chan’s heart does that weird fast thing, but it’s not out of some weird type of affection - it’s of shame. All too quickly, he notices people sitting around them, staring, boring their wide eyes into the back of Hyunjin’s head as if he just fell off Mars. Chan’s heart immediately starts to pick up the pace from the sheer embarrassment of it all, and suddenly, he has such an urge to cry from shame.

Chan stands up abruptly, and grabs Hyunjin’s arm - and he runs, no, he sprints as fast as he can. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are you okay?” And yet, Hyunjin still looks at him like absolutely nothing had happened. Business is usual for Hyunjin. What the fuck.

“Why did you do that?” It comes off harsher than he would’ve liked, with his pant coming in between his words. “Hyunjin, tell me right now. Why did you do that?” There’s an angry red handprint on Hyunjin’s arm.

Hyunjin seems to get aware, finally, of what he just did. His eyes turn ashamed, “I’m sorry, you just - you had something on your face…” but why does Chan’s chest hurt? He feels so angry, so mad that Hyunjin just touched his face like that - in public - without asking, and yet his chest hurts.

“I’m sorry,” Why is he the one apologizing? “I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, I was just really surprised, that’s all.”

Hyunjin then softly smiles, which drives Chan even crazier. It makes something inside of him just go wild. “I’ll tell you beforehand next time.”   
  
Chan sighs a breath of relief, but then he suddenly realizes what that actually implies - and something deep, deep inside Chan riles. An emergency alarm just goes off so obnoxiously loud in his brain. “You don’t think I like you, do you-”

Then, an actual face of confusion appears on Hyunjin’s face. “Don’t you?”

“Oh my god.” It’s like every part of his brain is just yelling ‘Abort, abort, abort! Abort mission!’ Chan’s hands go up to his hair, just from stress. “Hyunjin, I really think you have the wrong idea about me-”

“Oh, but hyung,” Why does he keep fucking talking over him? What’s so damn important that he has to keep cutting him off? “I like you.” 

  
  


“What?”   
  
“I noticed everything.” Hyunjin smiles fondly at him, and a loud ring pierces through Chan’s ears. “The way you were staring at me when we first met, the way you blushed all the time around me, the way you felt so comfortable around Woojin and Jisung but not me.” Why are you talking about it like you have any idea what I actually felt? Why? 

“I wanted to mess with you a bit at first, but then everything started making me rethink our relationship with one another.” Hyunjin chuckles and looks down at his hands. For just a second, just a split second, Chan looks down and sees that he’s rubbing his palms together. “But I liked the way you made me feel. it was different, but I liked it a lot.”

The longer he looks at him, the more he feels like he’s being pulled towards him and for some reason, he really doesn’t like it. “I wanted to get close to you. That’s why I invited you out to eat with me, it’s why I went on the trip, it’s why I did so many things. I wanted to get to know you.” No one has ever made Chan feel like this, so why Hyunjin? Why is Hyunjin’s face turning sadder? “And yet every time I got close, you pushed me away. That made me really sad, but I kept trying anyway. And then, you didn’t push me away. You let me get close.” Now, why is he smiling? What about Hyunjin does the trick for Chan? Why is he the only one who has ever made him feel like this?

Then, he says simply, as if the thing he’s confessing is even a little bit simple, he says, “I like you.”

Chan can do nothing else but to stand there, in complete and utter riveting shock. Hyunjin stares at him back, he’s watching Chan with intense, slightly wide eyes. They look bottomless. “What… What did you just…” If nothing else, at least they’re helping Chan to breathe.   
  
Hyunjin laughs. He laughs. “Man, I had no idea I would be telling you so soon,” So soon? “But yeah. I like you so much. So, so much. You make me feel the way I should feel.” Happy.

Right, right in that sentence, there’s an unspoken word. Happy. What Hyunjin meant was that Chan makes him happy. Before he knows it, Chan’s heart is doing that uncomfortable thing and it’s pounding so hard, so hard, that he hears it beating like a conga drum in his ears. Chan’s eyes brim with tears. Not of sadness, not of happiness either, just of… overwhelmingness. This is so overwhelming.

“Woah, Chan, I -” Hyunjin stars, but Chan motions for him to shut up. And he does so, without question, his lips sealed.

“I - I don’t fucking get it, I really don’t.” Chan wipes the few tears that fell down his face, and he looks at Hyunjin again.

Hyunjin isn’t crying like Chan is. He doesn’t even look sad, rather he looks.. disappointed. He’s frowning, and that just makes Chan hurt even more. “I know you’re just going to run away again.” Fuck, ow, fuck, fuck, fuck. “You’re going to run away, and pretend as if nothing happened, pretend like my feelings don’t exist, aren’t you?” Why’d you gotta shoot me in the heart like that?

“I just, I just don’t get it, Hyunjin.” He sobs. “It can’t be easy to like me, I’m - I’m really not someone who’s easy to love. And to like me that fast, and for you of all people to like me I just - I don’t get it, I fucking don’t. I need time to process everything.”

He doesn’t even take one last glimpse at Hyunjin’s face, because he knows he won’t stop thinking about it for days. He bolts out of there as fast as he could, but just not with Hyunjin’s arm in his hand.

  
  
  
  
  
  


chan [7:34 pm]

woojin

can i please come over to your place

please

woojin :] [7:34 pm]

sure thing

  
  


Right around the corner of April, Woojin invites Chan over for a game of Mario Kart and some ice cream. And Chan says yes because he always does. It’s April, school is tiring, and it’s good to unwind by kicking Woojin’s ass in a game of Mario Kart.

After he got comfortable on Woojin’s couch and Woojin was making himself comfortable on his own bean bag, and the game was all set up, Chan already had his nose in a bowl full of ice cream. Then, with a smile on his face, Woojin asks -

“How are you doing these days, Chan?”

(Pop quiz: How are you doing these days?

a) ~~???~~ Right before I ran away, Hyunjin looked hurt. it hurts to see him in pain. I don't want to see him like that ever again.

b) ~~???~~ It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Hyunjin’s hurt. Oh, it hurts.

c) ~~???~~ My mother called yesterday, and she asked me how Changbin, Minho, Jisung, and Jihyo were doing. I said great, they were all doing very well. And then for the first time, she asked me what Hyunjin was doing. I didn't realize that I started mentioning him so much in our phone calls that she’s even curious about him now. I’m a little bit fucked, probably.)

“Woojin, how can you tell that you like someone?” Chan says quietly, right in the middle. Woojin is sitting on a bean bag, and Chan is spread out on the couch with a blanket wrapping his body. “Like, what are the signs that you probably don’t want to be just friends anymore?”   
  
“The fact that you’re asking is enough evidence, for one,” Woojin laughs as the loading screen appears. “Who’s the lucky one to have your attention?”   
  
“Doesn’t matter.” Chan’s quick to dismiss the question of who, because it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that it’s 100% about Hyunjin. 

“I think it does when you’re this defensive about it.” Woojin deliberately pauses the game before it can even properly start, and Chan’s forced to look at him and talk about it straight up. “Okay, okay, you don’t have to tell me who it is for now.”   
  
“Thank you.” A small smile of appreciation appears bright on Chan’s face.

“I usually know when they’re all I think about. It pains me to leave their side, if we have something scheduled together then I look forward to it all week, and I make a genuine effort to be with them all the time.” Woojin shrugs like it’s something small. “It does depend on how in touch with your feelings you are, and how ready you are to let someone in romantically like that.”

“Hmm…” Chan mumbles something incoherently, picking at a loose thread on his sweatpants. He looks up but doesn’t look at Woojin directly. Just zones out in his general direction.

If I like someone, they’re all I think about. (Chan has not paid attention to a lot of his lectures lately or kept up with Jisung’s conversations sometimes. Chan thinks about Hyunjin a lot, he could say. Thinks about what they should do when he comes home, what movies he should recommend to him and what music, thinks about what he should make if Hyunjin comes over for dinner. Other times, he just thinks about Hyunjin’s hoodie that’s still laying on Chan’s chair. He hasn’t picked it up yet, and he knows it’s there.)   
  
If I like someone, it pains me to leave their side. (It does suck sometimes to go to lectures, because then he’s forced to stare at old professors, talking about music theory, composition, amongst other things. He loves his department though, and he loves studying music. Maybe it is about… No. No, it couldn’t be.)

If I like someone, if we have something scheduled together then I look forward to it all week. (When Hyunjin says that small, soft, “Hey, hyung, do you want to do something together? Like, eat out in a restaurant?” Chan’s heart does that fast, uncomfortable thing. It feels so nice to know that Hyunjin wants Chan in his space because Chan wants Hyunjin in his space as well.)   
  
If I like someone, I make a genuine effort to be with them all the time. (Chan does think about it a lot, but he’s never the first one to ask if he wants to catch a movie together. It’s always Hyunjin. So, that one only applies to him.)

Chan stays silent for only a minute longer before saying, “Woojin, I think Hyunjin likes me.”

“And how do you feel about that?” Woojin didn’t even miss a beat. Like it didn’t surprise him at all, which just makes Chan… nervous.   
  
“Like… Like I don’t deserve it; I don’t get it.” Chan’s eyes brim with tears, and he doesn’t feel sad. Not at all. Just so overwhelmed. “There are so many other people way smarter, way more attractive, way funnier than I am. And they’re all ready to get on their knees for him.” 

“First, Hyunjin is not a trophy, Chan.” Woojin chuckles, but not in the way that something is actually funny, but more in something’s absurd. What Chan is saying is so absurd to Woojin, that he’s actually having a laugh. “Hyunjin is a person like you and me, he has his own feelings and ways to cope with things and he has his good traits, as well as his bad traits.” It does make sense.

“Second,” Woojin looks so calm. Like all of this makes sense. “Whether or not you like it, he likes you. He confessed so himself. You’ve known each other for less than a year, yes, you may think you’re not worthy of it, yes, but no matter all that, he still likes you.”

Once Chan starts crying, all those bitter tears slowly streaming all the way down his face and his nose getting progressively stuffier, Woojin stands up and heads to a place that Chan doesn’t see. He’s too busy crying. He comes back with the warmest smile and a box full of tissues in his hand. He places the box next to Chan.

“He… he talked so softly to me,” Chan manages to say between muffled sobs. “Like I was precious to him, like he cared about me so much. When he was confessing, he looked so fond. Fond of me.” Uncontrollably, Chan lets out a small wail. 

“Like?” Woojin raises his eyebrow. “Chan, do you think he just looked like that? Or do you actually think he cares about you? Or was it all fake?”   
  
“The latter.”

“Chan,” Woojin sighs, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. “You don’t think he did all of that for laughs, do you?”   
  
Chan stays silent, flooded with the feeling of shame and guilt, before just blurting out, “I just - I don’t know! I don’t know what’s going on in Hyunjin’s head at all.” He wipes his eyes but to no avail. Tears just keep flowing. “He - He made me tea.”   
  
“So he made you tea, gave you his food for you to eat, came chasing after you when you left the room during the MT, cares about your mental health and general wellbeing,” Don’t do that. “And you still think his confession was just for a quick laugh? That he doesn’t care about you?”   
  
“I-I don’t think that he doesn’t care about me,” Chan sniffles loudly. “I just think that I don’t deserve it.”

Woojin looks at him, long and mesmerizing, not shifting his gaze for even a second before saying quietly, slowly, he asks, “Chan, do you like Hyunjin?”

Chan stays silent for another minute.   
  
The realization hits slow as he thinks about it more, but it’s not jarring as all the other times were. The realization hits like it’s supposed to hit like it’s supposed to be here, he thinks. Even if he’s sitting on a torn apart couch, wrapped in a blanket, wiping his tears away.

“...Yeah.”

“Then what is there not to deserve?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


( “Then why are you still here? You should be by Hyunjin.”

  
“I'll see him tomorrow.”

  
“You better. Poor boy, you broke his heart.”

  
“And I said he would break mine.”)

  
  
  
  
  


The Pros & Cons of having Bang Chan as your neighbour:

  1. Pros: not being alone; having fun; having a best friend; never being bored; being happy.
  2. Cons: possibly falling in love with him one-sidedly.   




Hyunjin is staring at the ceiling of his dorm room.

Chan remarked one month ago that Hyunjin’s dorm still looked like it was ready to get unpacked. Like it hasn’t changed since Hyunjin moved in. The truth is, Hyunjin feels lonely inside here. Being alone freaks him out, probably more than it should. Living alone has its perks, but why would he be alone if Bang Chan is right across the door from him?

Why would he spend his nights alone when he could be next to Chan? Why would he eat another meal alone if he has Chan? Why would he have fun alone if Chan could have fun with him? Why do anything ever alone if he has Bang Chan?

Hyunjin picks up his phone.

“Hey, Jisung. Where’s Chan?” There’s not a sound in the dorm aside from Hyunjin’s voice. That’s probably the thing making him more anxious.

“He’s at Woojin’s, he said he’s not coming home tonight. Why?” Jisung really says it like he hadn’t just heard Hyunjin’s heart making a huge crack noise.

“...” 

He hangs up. A sigh escapes past his lips, and Hyunjin already feels the oncoming tears. 

“Why did you have to go to Woojin’s?” Hyunjin’s salty tears are falling down the side of his face. “Are… Are my feelings that uncomfortable for you?”

This is the first time Hyunjin has ever felt genuine heartbreak.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chan is casually talking with Woojin as they’re coming out of their lecture hall, and even though Chan’s not fully in it (he keeps zoning out today, he barely even responded to Jisung asking him if he wants his eggs sunny side up or scrambled), Woojin is doing his best to keep up a conversation anyway.

Another group of all freshmen is coming out of the lecture hall opposite them. And right in the middle of them, the one who immediately catches his eye was Hyunjin. It’s like he shines the most out of them, like he’s so… different than the rest of them. Spring’s warmth makes him so different than the rest, maybe. 

With his brown, beautiful eyes, Hyunjin sees him too. For a second, he’s so happy to see him again that he wants to call out to him. Hyunjin! Hyunjin! Hyunjin!

Then, he’s brought back to reality when Hyunjin has nothing more, nothing less than a frown on his face. The kicker’s when he turns his head away.

Hyunjin’s the victim here. He’s the one who got hurt. Chan is the one who rejected him and ran away, and yet, Chan feels hurt with one simple frown.

“You should go after him.” Woojin has such a knowing look on his face. It’s one of sympathy.

Before he knows it, Chan’s heart is leading his body and he’s running as fast as he could towards Hyunjin. At least this time he’s running to him, rather than away.

  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hyunjin!” Chan yells, in the middle of the courtyard. People are staring, looking at him like he had just fallen off Mars. He doesn’t care.   
  
“Chan?” He doesn’t look too pleased to see him.

“I need to talk to you, for even just a minute.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chan had pullen Hyunjin away into an empty classroom, and Hyunjin is staring into him - but not that fond, loving way he usually does. The only thing beneath those pools of brown is cold, hard ice.

“Hyunjin, I’m really, really sorry for running away like that again.” Chan’s gripping onto Hyunjin’s wrist so tight. “And, and I want to apologize for the way I reacted generally. I had no clue about how I felt and, I was so stupid, I just… I didn’t understand and I mistook my feelings for something else entirely and-”

Hyunjin’s eyes so suddenly turn into ones of giddiness, he pulls away from Chan’s grip and instead places his hand on Chan’s waist.   
  
"You like me, don't you?" There are two fingertips under his chin, making him pull it up. Hyunjin has a smile on his face."Chan, you like me. Don't you?"   
  
"You drive me insane," Chan says quietly, with a small chuckle afterwards. "You make me want to rip every single hair off my head because of you. And if that counts as me liking you, then yes. I like y-"

Chan can’t even manage to finish his sentence before Hyunjin leaned forward, pressing his lips against Chan’s. There’s a dull ‘thud!’ sound once Chan hits the door. 

Hyunjin is squeezing Chan’s hand as he places so many kisses all over his lips and face. Hyunjin starts from the mouth, then all the way up - his jaw, his cheek, his nose and his forehead - and Chan stood there, back pressed against the door, letting Hyunjin’s warm lips explore his face.

Then, Hyunjin pulls away and says quietly, “I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone this much. I like you so much. In fact, I think I like you too much.”

That feeling of excitement is swirling around in Chan’s stomach. There was such a warm look in Hyunjin’s eyes. It was so warm, so fond and familiar, Chan’s cheeks started to burn. 

So many months worth of pent up emotions of confusion, sadness, affection and fondness washed over Chan like a tidal wave. Everything he had ever felt, ever since the beginning, the very first day they met - was all poured into a single kiss. 

“I missed you,” Hyunjin whispered. Hot tears were streaming down his face, and his breathing was deep. Chan felt the way his heart tightened at the scene of Hyunjin crying, so he presses his thumbs across Hyunjin’s cheeks and wipes them away. “I missed you so much.” He holds Chan’s hand to his face.

“I’m right here, Jin.” Chan whispers back.

“But I’m still longing for you,” Hyunjin places his hand over Chan’s. “Longing for the happy Channie, with his smile and cute dimples. But for a bit, I’ve only seen sad Channie.” Hyunjin shudders, tears flowing still. “Sad Channie makes my heart ache.”

Chan’s eyes brim with tears. Chan leans his head in one more time and kisses him once more, before hugging him as tight as he possibly could. Hyunjin’s hands are up Chan’s back, and they’re gentle.

“Chan, would you like to date me?”   
  
Muffled, Chan replies, “Yeah. I’d think I’d like that. A lot, actually.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(“Hyunjin, is that my hoodie?”   
  
“Yes. Have a problem with it?”   
  
“...Nah.”)


End file.
